Movie Review: Da Vinci Code

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE CUBS GODDAMMIT!! I have to get that off my chest. I used to go home and spend some time listening to the Cubs game on mlb.com, but now there is just no joy in it. My new goal is to earn enough money to buy the Cubs and make them fucking win. I mean come on, we’re doing almost as bad as the pirates.

This week’s movie review is the Da Vinci Code. In short, don’t ever watch this movie. Let me start off with my story about the Da Vinci Code, actually two stories. I used to work at this liquor store with a guy who absolutely believed that this book was real. Not just the conspiracy, but the events. It was a documentary to him. What an idiot. Second, my story about how I read the Da Vinci code; I went back to Chicago a couple weeks back and brought two books to read. The First was a Peter Drucker book, the second was a book about Pakistan from the Brookings Institute. On the flight back to Honolulu I decided that a fiction book would be more up my ally. So we went to the book store and there were two selections; the Da Vinci Code and a smattering of Housewife Porn (Romance). It was like this in every bookstore at the airport. Dan Brown, haven’t you sold enough books you douche-bag? I digress though, I bought the book. I read it on the plane and discovered that this is the most poorly written book in the universe, give a ten year old the plot and the writing would be more interesting. At one point I threw the book on the ground because it was making me dumber. I eventually finished the book and was not surprised by anything t the end. I have plans to burn it now.

As for the movie it has an all star cast so I was a little optimistic. Tom Hanks, star of Bachelor Party, Forest Gump, and a couple other great films. Audrey Tautou was Amelie and really that is enough, though she was also in A Very Long Engagement, and Dirty Pretty Things both of which were awesome. Of course Ron Howard, making a movie without his brother in it. Then throw in an albino and Ian McKellen and there should be a decent picture. It was not, this movie is an utter piece of shit. Tom Hanks was like Derek Zoolander, he only has one facial expression and the acting was forced. Audrey seemed like a background character, with forced acting and a mostly blank expression. The only reason to watch this movie is Ian McKellen, but only for the first ten minutes of his appearance, then he too lowers into an acting style that says, “I making a bunch of money for acting.”

Don’t let me be the judge though, half the audience laughed the entire movie. This is supposed to be a thriller but it is just comical. If you want to watch a movie that will ruffle Catholic’s feathers then watch Last Temptation of Christ it is an awesome movie. If you want to read a book that is worth your time read Foucault’s Pendulum which simply is one of the best books that I have ever read.